Gifting This Wonderful World With EVEN MORE EXPLOSIONS!
by 3-13 Sniper
Summary: Boy dies. Boy is sent off to get reincarnated. Boy is a rule-bending little sh*t, and negotiates some (severely lessened) game-breaking Borderlands equipment to take with him. Boy now has to deal with unfortunate quests, flawed completion strategies, insanity, and a few other things that happen along the way. (OC-SI, slight Borderlands crossover.)
1. A Prologue to this Tale of Badassery!

If you had asked me what kind of person I was in my last life… well, honestly, I don't think I'd be able to give you a straight answer.

But if I had to choose, I'd say "a bystander." For a number of reasons.

First, my personality. I'm the kind of guy who snarks his way through life, and take whatever pleasure I can in knocking people down a peg if I think they deserve it. Naturally, that doesn't exactly endear me to others. Consequently, I'd spent most of my recent years practically friendless. Oh, sure, I'd had nice acquaintances before, but all of those were completely situational and under no control of my own, like classroom seat assignments and other such things.

Second, my outlook on life. I spent every second of every day constantly thinking of the worst situation possible that could happen to me at any given moment, even if it was completely irrational. See a tree swaying around? Maybe it could fall on top of me. Wield a kitchen knife? It might slip around and cut me. Working with dangerous chemicals during chemistry class? I could get some of it on my skin, and they may be acidic. Walking down some stairs? I could trip, fall, and break my neck. Striding down a crosswalk? A surprise car doing 100 or above could suddenly zip in and turn me into a red stain on the road. Some big, boxy electrical device starts beeping? It could be a second away from going up in flames and sending shrapnel all around. Stroll past some unscrupulous-looking guy on the street? He could turn around any moment, pull out a heater from somewhere, and shoot me in the back of the head.

Yeah. When you perpetually live by Murphy's Law taken up to eleven, then squared, you quickly pick up how to avoid potentially dangerous situations. You learn how to keep your head down, keep walking, and pretend nothing's happening behind you. Which is why I'd say "I'm a bystander."

It's because I was completely consumed by fear, all day, every day. Call it what you want, sugarcoat it even, but it didn't change the cold, hard fact that at my core, I was but one thing.

A coward.

So now, you may be able to understand my reaction when I found myself in a particular room. One with immaculate marble pillars, a black-and-white tiled floor that stretched on forever into an expanse of black, a simple wooden chair for me to sit on, a throne, a small table next to the chair, and a certain silver-haired maiden sitting on the throne.

_Oh, no._

Of course, that wasn't the only factor contributing to my reaction.

You see, because of my predisposition towards dangerous situations, I would often find myself staying inside my own home, along with the other three members of my family. As you may imagine, there wasn't a whole lot to do cooped up in a house as average as ours… except the one pastime that had completely taken over my life ever since I was three.

Said pastime being "go on the computer and start messing around."

(Actually, at the time it was "start up the PS1 and play CTR," but that doesn't work in this instance.)

And that was how I discovered the many wonders of the beautiful place we humans like to call "The Internet."

It was also the first of many hours, days, weeks, months, and years spent simply with my face glued to a monitor, and my hands stuck to a keyboard and mouse. (And a controller, when the situation called for it.)

I discovered a myriad of different things from the web. Some good, some bad, and many more that I was indifferent to.

One of said things was a certain fictional story written by an eastern author, adapted into comic form by an eastern artist, and eventually animated by a studio somewhere in the world. It's name? Konosuba. Short for "Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo," which when translated to English, came out as "God's Blessings on this Wonderful World." (Or sometimes "Blessings of God," but that's semantics.) It chronicled the hilarious misadventures of Japanese shut-in otaku Kazuma and his not-so-merry band of "companions" in a world designed to subvert every single existing trope related to stories of the isekai genre.

Why is that important, you ask? Well, I'll tell you why. See, the show began when the main character was sent off to… "purgatory," let's call it, after suffering an extremely humiliating and completely ridiculous sleep-deprived-hallucination-induced death. Once there, he met a goddess who offered him two options: reincarnate as a baby, or go on to heaven. When neither of those choices interested him, she notified him about a third option: be transported to a fantasy world that worked like a role-playing game with his body and memories intact, along with one completely overpowered item of his choice. He took the third option, but when choosing an item, the goddess mistakenly pissed him off to the point where he ended up picking her instead of an overpowered item. To both their shock, the request was approved, and they were both sent off to the other world.

Anyway, as for how that relates to this, that "purgatory" I was talking about? Well… there was no mistaking that I was currently residing in that exact place.

Which meant that I had died.

Which also meant that I would be faced with the same choice between heaven, reincarnation, and getting shipped off.

And… well, if you knew me before, you'd know that I'd probably be nothing but an empty shell in heaven. No entertainment means no video games or action, and without those, I'd completely lose the will to live. (Though, admittedly, I'd never be able to work up the courage to commit suicide. Not that I'd be able to, anyway - it's freaking _heaven._)

I also wasn't very keen on living through my baby days again. I may have only been 16 at this time, but be honest with yourself: do you really want to go through puberty again? Because I sure as hell didn't.

So the only choice left was being shipped off to the one world that loves to screw over anybody and everybody.

On the plus side, well… I didn't have to deal with the universe's single most annoying goddess. I had all the time in the world to figure out exactly what I wanted, and how I wanted it, since even if I did have a time limit, the woman sitting across from me was way too polite to actually enforce it. I figured that the most I'd get from her was the occasional reminder and some token resistance. Nothing too terribly serious.

(I did feel a little bad about potentially manipulating her to an extent, but that was quickly disregarded. Yes, yes, I know, I'm a dick.)

That being said, however… I still thought it would be in good taste to go as fast as possible, so I set my mind to figuring out what would best suit me for this lifelong venture into the unknown.

Or I would have, if not for the interruption.

"Ah… sir? Are you okay?"

**ERIS**

**Fortune favors the bold**

I blinked. Then my brain caught up with me, dope-slapped me, then compelled me to respond.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I don't think it's hit me yet, honestly, so I'm trying to do all my thinking while I'm still emotionally stable. You don't mind, do you?"

She looked a little taken off-guard, but I supposed that was par for the course, given my unusual mannerisms.

"N-no, of course not. Take your time. We can begin when you're ready."

_Oh, she must still think I'm in the dark about all this. Better fix that up._

"I do know where this is going, by the way. You don't have to give the grand intro or speech or whatever. Just my opinion here, but being stuffy doesn't really suit you."

"O-oh. Um… okay. Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Oh, by the way, can I ask you some questions? There's a few things I wanna know about the specifics of this whole item deal…"

"Sure! Go ahead."

And so we conversed.

Hey, I said I could be a dick, but I never said I was heartless. Being a jerk 24/7 is really unfulfilling, given how you'll only spend an average of 30 minutes every day actually getting any satisfaction from that, at the absolute maximum. Doesn't hurt that politeness was pretty much beaten into my head over and over by virtue of being a Boy Scout. By no means did that make me a good example, though. Let's just say that I treat the Scout Law like pirates treat the Pirate Code and leave it at that. Needless to say, how I reached the rank of Life is beyond me. I suspect my mother is responsible. After all, she was the one who forced me into the BSA in the first place.

Speaking of which, that had actually been the indirect cause of my death. For whatever reason, the memory of my demise had been locked away until I'd asked about it, whereupon my benefactor revealed to me that I had been on a Scout hike up a mountain with much looser dirt than I was expecting. I only ever owned one pair of shoes at a time, simply because I didn't see a reason to have any more than that, and by that point they'd become quite worn down. Due to the diminished traction from their well-used state, I had ended up slipping while climbing up a hill, and that snowballed into tumbling downwards and eventually breaking my neck when I fell over a tiny cliff and landed awkwardly.

_Huh… well, that's a bummer. I might've felt better if that happened while I was trying to save someone else. Hell, I'd even take being run over by Truck-sama if it meant I'd get at least a somewhat noble end. This is just… disheartening. All that caution, and it ended up doing me jack shit in the face of parental enforcement. "Go on the hike," she said. "It'll count towards a merit badge," she said. Yeah, I bet you're regretting being pushy with me now, aren't you, mom?_

_Wait. _

_I'm dead._

_That means… I'm never going to see them again._

_...no, no, save the breakdown for later. You've got work to do. Finish up the reincarnation process now, cry like the little bitch you are after this is done._

In any case, I eventually got to the point where I asked to see some of the most important legalese documents referring to what I'd be doing in the near future. Completely understanding them was an impossible task given my lack of a law school diploma, but I was able to get the basic gist of most of it.

The ones I paid the most attention to were the ones relating to the details of the whole "overpowered item" shtick, for reasons that should be obvious. If I was going to be venturing off into the great unknown without any information on what to expect, I'd make sure to have all possible advantages I could get. Even if it meant exploiting and abusing every single loophole I could find.

Like I always say: "if the system doesn't explicitly forbid you from doing it, then is it really cheating?"

By scrutinizing the documents, I learned that there was a certain "max capacity" that every item had to adhere to. It was why gifts like infinite god-mode or a weapon that one-shots everything couldn't be granted. In retrospect, that should've been easy for anyone with half a brain to figure out. But besides that, I learned that there was actually a standardized method used to determine whether or not an item went past the threshold. I couldn't comprehend all the minute details, but I was able to gain a general understanding of how it worked.

In essence, the less "powerful" the gift was, the more room you had to fit other things in. But the "other things" also had to relate to the base item in some way - you couldn't just ask for a rifle and then turn around and ask to be a martial arts legend. Think of it like… well, I suppose "required secondary powers" would be the best way. Take super strength, for instance. If you wanna use that to punch through walls, you're also gonna need to make sure that you don't break your hand while doing so. Thus, your durability also gets upped in addition to your strength. All the other minor details end up filling the gift capacity.

I figured I was going to have to be really smart about this if I wanted to get the maximum benefit possible.

But of course, to do that, I had to actually decide what I wanted first. And that was practically an ordeal in itself.

_The Gamer…? Ehh, the world itself already runs on RPG mechanics, so that would likely be a little too redundant. What about a modern loadout…? Maybe, but that doesn't seem like 'enough.' That could be going somewhere, actually. Okay, think… how do you improve a bunch of guns?_

_Wait a minute, that's an easy question. Be like Mister Torgue and make 'em explosive to blow shit up._

I stopped right there.

_Hold it. __**That's it. **_

_But wait… can I tack on even more?_

I snuck a glance over at the room's other occupant, who looked to be doing some paperwork.

_...only one way to find out._

"Uh… Eris?"

My call-out pulled her attention away from her clipboard and back to me.

"Yes?"

"Would it be possible for me to take both an Unkempt Harold and a Sabre Turret?"

She looked lost for a moment.

"Um… hang on, let me look that up."

After a short bit of research, she answered my question.

"I suppose it's possible, but you'd have to downgrade it a fair bit."

I had expected that, and tried my solution.

"How about if I severely depower them, like reduce them to a sort of barebones state, but also give them the ability to return to their former glory via upgrades and level scaling? Oh, but I'm also still gonna need the infinite ammo hack. They're useless without bullets."

She pondered that for a second.

"Hmm… you know, I think that might actually work. The digistruct tech for both the turret and the pistol will set you back by a lot, but with enough effort, you may just be able to even things out."

She looked like she actually believed it, too. But before that…

"Give me a minute, please. I'd like to run this by my superiors, just in case."

"Sure, go ahead."

Not like I really had much of a choice.

After a few minutes, the results were in.

"Wow, would you look at that! You've been approved! Congratulations!"

That was cause for a fist-pump.

"_Yessssssssss…_"

I was so caught up in my success that I nearly managed to overlook a crucial detail. Luckily, my brain dope-slapped me again before it was too late.

"Oh, uh, wait! Do I get any sort of spare cash to start off? I mean, I know I've already asked for a lot, but it would be nice to not be broke from the get-go."

The goddess' countenance bloomed into a gesture halfway between embarrassed and mortified at my reminder.

"Oh, my…! Ahhhh, why do I always forget about that?! Stupid, stupid, stupid…!"

She reached behind her throne and extracted an average-sized leather bag, demeaning herself all the while.

"Whoa, whoa whoa, hey, hey, come on. No need to beat yourself up about it that much. I'd probably make the same mistake too, if our roles were switched. Hell, with my track record, I might actually end up doing it more than you."

I took the bag from her, placing it inside one of my pockets.

"You don't need to put yourself down so much just to make me feel better…"

"And why shouldn't I? It's one of the few things I'm actually good at, after all. Might as well put that to good use. But…"

I decided to give something that this poor girl had deserved for a while now.

A hug.

"Wha-?!"

"Thank you. For everything that you've done, are doing, and will do in the future. Frankly speaking, you put up with a lot more crap than anyone else has any right to deal with, and despite it all, you still wear a smile like nothing's wrong. I may not know much about strength, but even I can tell that you've got boatloads more than I do. When I said I'd do your job worse, I meant it. If I was put into this situation, I'd find a way to get the hell outta dodge as fast as I could. But you? You take everything thrown at you like a champ, and keep soldiering on in spite of all this soul-crushing bullshit."

_Whoa. Is… is she crying? Holy… either I must be much better at this than I thought, or… oh, __**man**__. I don't like the implications of possibility two._

"So… you know what? I don't care what anyone says. You, miss Eris, are undeniably a certified, absolute _badass_, and don't let _anyone _tell you otherwise. And when I say _anyone_, I mean _**anyone**_. Yes, even _her_."

She didn't respond, only raising her arms and hugging me back with more force than her frame would lead you to believe she possessed. There was no need for any more words at the moment.

Just one lost, terrified teenaged boy offering gratitude and consolation to an overworked, lonely social outcast goddess in desperate need of validation.

Now… I suppose some of you may be clamoring for answers as to why I just up and did this out of the blue if I'm such a self-proclaimed prick. Well… I hate to admit it, but I've actually always been a sucker for scenes like these. Getting the chance to actually do one of my own was a little too difficult to resist.

Unfortunately, much as I would liked the moment to last a little longer, the warp circle appeared at the exact moment we separated.

"Huh-? Oh. Ah, well, I suppose I couldn't stall forever."

"O-oh, right. Um, ahem… now, go forth, Hero, and embark on your grand quest to defeat the ultimate evil!"

_Oh-ho-ho-hooo, trying to regain some professionalism, are we? Yeah, I don't think so._

"I thought I told you earlier to quit it with the grandiose posturing… _**Chris**._"

Eris was… well, I suppose the best way to put it would be "dumbstruck."

She was also left sputtering.

"Wh-...you-...how-?"

I resisted the urge to laugh while floating up towards the bright light that had appeared on what passed for a ceiling in this room.

"Aw, don't get yer knickers up in a bind. Your secret's safe with me."

_But wait… speaking of names, did I ever-? Shit, I didn't!_

"Oh, ah, before I forget! I'm Andrew! Pleasure to meet you!"

I awkwardly stuck out my hand from my slowly-rising position for a last-second shake. Fortunately, the goddess was quicker on the draw than I expected.

"My name is Eris! And the blessings of fortune shall be with with you! Goodbye!"

"Thanks! See you on the other side!"

And that was the last thing I could remember before I felt light engulf me.

* * *

**A/N: Jesus H. Christ, I really need to stop churning out so many different story ideas. At this rate, it'll take forever for me to actually get any chapters finished for my other stories! My god, I can hear them crying for attention even now...**

**Eh, whatever. They'll get their time when I find some for them. In any case, hello! For those who don't know me, I'm just a guy who's a writer for fun. Heh. References aside, welcome to this little script of insanity and expectation subversion. Par for the course for anything set in this world, am I right?**

**Honestly speaking, the setting of Konosuba is probably the most versatile one I can think of for the isekai genre. Think about it... you get to take any one item, skill, or whatever else you can think of with you to help you on your quest. The big thing is, it doesn't matter whether or not said thing exists in the real world - anything from every realm of fiction is fair game, as long as it doesn't make you permanently or effectively unkillable. That one rule pretty much opens the door for almost every single crossover imaginable. Just think - bringing in a Keyblade, the Buster Sword, the Monado, maybe even a Metal Gear, and using it to completely crush the opposition. If that isn't wish fulfillment, I don't know what is.**

**In terms of the future, I plan to create an entirely new party separate from the pre-established parties we've seen already, like Team Kazuma and Team Dust. Who those members will be, I have no idea yet. We'll just have to wait and see.**

**But that's enough for now. I really need to get back to working on my other stories. Now, how best to go about breaking this writer's block... wait a minute, BLAKE! WHERE'S A BLOODY PICKAXE?**

**[TRANSMISSION ENDED]**


	2. Assistance for this Wayward Vault Hunter

The next thing I knew, I was standing underneath a tree on the side of a town street.

From what I could tell, this was the exact same landing spot that this world's last protagonist entered on.

The immediate area was as lively as ever, with ordinary citizens going about their lives, adventurers conversing with one another, children running around and generally causing a ruckus, you know, normal fantasy town stuff.

Satisfied with my inspection of my surroundings, I turned my attention towards myself… and what felt like the remnants of a raging headache.

Yeah, no matter what method you use, cramming an entire language into someone's brain will always resort in some form of pain. This wasn't any exception, but thankfully I seemed to regain consciousness after the worst had passed.

_Which makes me wonder… did I actually black out because of the incredible migraine I most certainly had, or was that just a side-effect of the world transmission process?_

I thought on that for a moment, then disregarded it as not relevant to the current situation.

Strangely enough, my current clothes were not what I had been wearing upon my last Game Over. Instead of a standard Boy Scout uniform, I had somehow donned my favored black zip-up hoodie, hiding a black t-shirt with "meh." printed front and center in white Arial font, with accompanying black sweatpants. I still had my white socks and black & white pair of Dickie's.

_Huh, lotta black in there. Have I been a goth all this time and just never realized it?_

Shaking out of my thoughts, I noticed a few additions to my outfit that most certainly weren't there before.

One of which was a holster, containing what could only be my new weapon of choice. The other was a satchel, which upon lifting the flap, revealed a small, grey, oddly-shaped cylinder that I determined to be the compacted form of my as-of-now Dahl factory issue Sabre Turret.

_Probably best to hold off on testing those until after I'm a registered adventurer. I'm not letting even a single point of EXP go to waste if I can help it._

My objective set, I began to wander around, trying to see if I could find the Adventurers' Guild without any assistance. I figured that if I could make my way to the main road, it would be a straight shot to the building. If the anime's visuals were accurate, that was.

After about ten minutes or so of aimlessness, I happened across a small signboard that displayed a map of the entirety of Axel, my current location. Said map also came with a handy-dandy 'you are here' marker to confirm my position. I wondered why something like this would be here, when amusement parks were still at least a thousand years away, but I hand-waved it off as just something an anonymous reincarnate had done to help all the F.O.B. noobs find their way around.

In any case, the convenient map was quite the blessing, as I was able to quickly make my way to the guild hall in only a few more minutes.

I must say, walking into the Adventurers' Guild building for the first time was definitely an experience I probably wouldn't forget for a while. For one, Aqua was standing tall on top of a table, clad in her usual attire complete with flowing pink hagoromo, leading a group of no-doubt drunk adventurers in what I assumed to be an old folk song.

_**CRUNCH!**_

A loud noise that sounded like wood snapping carried over to me from the bar, turning my attention towards it. Upon doing that, I caught sight of a head of blonde hair stuck inside a recently-made hole in the counter, with arms connected to a body sporting a red jacket that said head was attached to trying to pull it out. I absently noticed a female adventurer striding away from the scene, looking noticeably pissed off.

_There's Dust, then. Poor guy still can't tell the difference between a queen and a thot. Not that it'd do much for him, anyway. His charm stat's so low that he'd be lucky to get friendzoned, if he ever even got to that point._

Some of his party members were sitting next to him, sighing and shaking their heads at their leader's typical antics.

With that group confirmed, I resumed scanning the restaurant area.

I next spotted Megumin, conversing with (read: threatening) a pair of adventurers who looked pretty put-off by her presence. I could only assume that one of them had made some sort of off-handed comment about her terrorist tendencies, and now she was not-so-subtlety hanging their fiery, explosive demise over their heads on a string that was a few unintentional insults away from snapping.

In other words, business as usual for the resident chuunibyou-clothed Crimson Demon.

Darkness was next on my detection list, seen when my eyes drifted over to the bulletin board where all the available jobs were posted. Her white armor, plus her typical orange-and-black color scheme certainly did a good job of making her recognizable. She seemed to be scanning the board, checking for any tasks that might have a decent effort-to-payoff ratio.

...okay, that joke sounded better in my head, but whatever. She was actually seeing which one had the most chance of her living out as many of her weird fetishes as she could, with a healthy amount of potential torture to satisfy her masochistic desires. Or at least, that's what I assumed she was doing, given the blush that would periodically appear on her face whenever she ran her eyes over one of the more dangerous job notices.

_Nothing new there. Now, moving on… Kazu-bro, where you at?_

Kazuma was harder to pick out than the other three, given that he barely had any defining features. The best he could do at the moment would be his green mini-cape, and a lot of those were pushed out of sight in here.

Regardless, I found him after scrutinizing a certain area of the large room. As expected, he didn't look like a very happy camper. He was leaning over the table he was sitting at, his chin resting on it, arms by his sides, looking like the world's most defeated man.

All in all, there was nothing really out of the ordinary happening today.

I decided to relax for a second and grab some grub before signing on, as I hadn't had a bite to eat since a few hours before my untimely death. I made my way over to an empty table and sat down, facing away from the table itself, resting an elbow on top.

One of the waitresses appeared shortly after, handing me a list and asking me what I wanted. I wasn't really experienced with this sort of thing, so I just picked the cheapest thing I saw that didn't look like shit. She nodded, marked my order down and left, leaving me to stew in my thoughts.

_Well, while I'm here… might as well inspect the goods._

I pulled out the coin purse I had received from my new divine buddy, opening it and checking the contents, revealing it to contain a respectable amount of 10,000 Eris. Thinking back to the prices of the meals on the menu, I concluded that the conversion rate to good old American USD was about 100 to 1, practically a carbon copy of the rate of Japanese Yen.

That meant that to start off, I had approximately 100 dollars. Which was far and away the highest amount of cash I'd ever had on hand before, but still nowhere near the amount to buy equipment that wouldn't have a few drawbacks.

Slipping the bag back into my pocket, I released the retaining strap on my new weapon's holster and pulled out the gun, taking care to keep my finger off the trigger.

The thing actually didn't look any different from a garden-variety Torgue Slapper. Blocky, grey in color, checkered pattern on the barrel, red-and-black Torgue logo on the cylinder, somewhat unclean, exactly what you'd expect a standard white-rarity item to appear as.

As I checked it, I found myself instinctively knowing everything I needed to properly operate it. How to arm, fire, and reload, how to clean it, and generally all the knowledge I'd need to keep it in top condition while still kicking ass and blowing shit up.

_Bless the higher-ups that. It'd be pretty embarrassing to get a weapon that I don't even know how to use, not to mention maintain. Though, that does bring up the question of __**how **__I'll actually maintain it, since I don't know if this world can offer everything I'd need to clean it… wait._

I again lifted the flap off my satchel, and removed the Turret, revealing a cleaning kit of all things.

_I __**knew **__this thing was a little too big to hold just the turret!_

Curiosity sated, I returned the turret and the pistol to their carries and waited for my food.

About fifteen minutes later, my lunchtime was interrupted.

"Hey… you're not from around here, are you?"

**KAZUMA**

**as the ADVENTURER**

I looked up, and was met with the face of the resident NEET.

_Guess he finally picked out my outsider appearance. Kinda surprised he didn't approach me earlier, but whatever._

"Nope. Just got here an hour or so ago. Why?"

"Thought so. Your clothes are a dead giveaway. You were just reincarnated, weren't you?"

I debated between playing dumb and telling the truth for a moment. Being a proper scout ended up winning the argument.

"Yeah. What's it to you? You in the same boat or something?"

"Well, believe it or not, I am. So, accordingly, I have decided to give you some pointers so that you don't end up making the same mistakes I did. Assuming you didn't pick something completely useless to take with you, that is."

I pulled my new weapon back out again at the implication.

"I'm pretty sure I'm fine on that account, thanks."

Apparently, he was actually familiar with it.

"Wait. Is that… _no way! _Is that a freaking _Torgue _pistol?!"

That admittedly caught me off-guard.

"Hold on, back up a second - _you know Borderlands?_"

For whatever reason, that offended him.

"_Know it?! _You're asking me, a certified shut-in, professional Japanese slacker, if I don't know the single most successful RPFPS series _of all time?!_ What are you on, you dumbass?!"

He leaned in, looming over me. Not wanting no trouble, I tried to placate him.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down! What's with the aggression? Cool your jets, man! You just said you're from Japan, right? Aren't you guys supposed to be super respectful or something?"

"That's just a western stereotype!"

"Stereotypes exist for a reason, dude!"

"Well, I'll have you know that I'm not your average salaryman! And what would you know? You must be one of those redneck yankees, right? Fitting that you'd choose the manufacturer associated with that the most!"

Oh, Kazu-trash, you did _not _just go there.

"Ex_cuse _me?! Now listen here, you little shit. I just so happen to be the complete _opposite _of what you have in mind. Or… not exactly the _complete _opposite, since I am a bit of a gun lover, and I do swear a lot, but that-that's besides the point! I'm _not_ a redneck, I'm _not _loud and extroverted, I _don't _play sports, and I most _certainly _do _not _like leaving my home."

"So you're _not _a redneck, eh? Then tell me… _why do you have a beard?_"

_...fuck. He's got me there._

"...I'm too lazy to shave."

"You're _what._"

"I'm sixteen, and I'm too lazy to shave, so that's why I have a shitty-looking anchor beard and pencil mustache. Are you happy?!"

He was… pretty much dumbstruck.

"Uhh…"

"I'll take that as a resounding 'yes,' then. So are you actually gonna give me any tips, or did you just come here for your Argument Clinic audition?"

He actually had the audacity to look sheepish.

"Oh. Yeah, uh… sorry. I just… hate it when I get called out on doing the one thing I'm really good for incorrectly."

I raised an eyebrow.

"And that is… being a massive nerd?"

"Yeah, I just… sorry."

I figured there wasn't really any point in holding a grudge since this little spat was pretty nonsensical, so I let it go.

"It's fine. So, what kinda tutorial have you got for me?"

The stuff he instructed me on was actually pretty helpful for newcomers, giving me recommendations for clothes shops once I decided to start fitting in, armorers for quality protective equipment, and weapon shops if I ever decided to pick up a sidearm. He also told me about the basics of proper adventuring, how to get started and what kind of jobs would be appropriate for a guy like me. All in all, he actually knew his stuff pretty well. Which made sense, considering that from what he told me, he'd probably been here for at least half a year.

_That's another thing… I need to find out where I am in the timeline. All four main party members are already here, so it's sometime after episode three… wait._

I stood up.

"Hold on, I need to check something real quick."

I jogged over to the bounty board, skimming it for jobs involving a certain spider-legged mobile fortress.

_If I remember correctly, scouting the Destroyer was an infinitely repeatable quest before the gang made it go kaboom…_

And wouldn't you know it…

_Aha! There it is! So, that means I'm still in the first season, somewhere between episodes three and ten. What other major events happen… right, Verdia. Has he already been rekt? If he has, that significantly narrows down my arrival time. I could also inquire about where Kazuma and Aqua are sleeping right now. If they're still in the stables, that means I came in before episode 8. Mister 'Patrick Seitz Noises' gets WTFPWNED at the end of episode 6, so if I find out the answers to both those questions, I'll be able to get a pretty accurate reading of where I am… or rather, 'when' I am._

I continued pondering as I walked back to my unfinished lunch.

_It's also not winter, so that means I'm either before or after episode 7, which is also Kazuma's first death and meeting with Eris. Or at least, I think it is. I don't see any snow, but not every day during winter is a snow day… and I __**am**_ _wearing 'warm' clothes._

I worked out a plan. Step one, find out if Verdia had already been killed. Step two, investigate Kazuma and Aqua's lodgings. Step three, find out which weather season it was… and check a calendar while I was at it.

Upon my return to my table, Kazuma finished up his tip session by telling me about cheap lodgings, vouching for one stable in particular, where he actually lived in along with one other tenant.

I was left a little bewildered at having one of my questions already answered so quickly and easily, but I wasn't complaining.

_Okay… so that means I'm between episodes 8 and 3 right now._

I pounded on the opportunity laid before me.

"So, hey… what's today's date? Or, I guess the better question is, what kinda weather should I be expecting in the near future?"

He looked a little caught off-guard at my seemingly unusual request, but he didn't let that bother him.

"Well, if you're worried about winter, then you sorta lucked out, but not really. As far as I know, the worst is behind us, but it's still pretty damn cold out. Not enough to cause snow, but the temperature's low enough that it still feels like it hits you right down to the bone."

_...huh. I'm not the only one feeling like that was a little too convenient, right? Yeah. I'm watching you, Murphy. I may not be able to stop you, but I'll be damned if I let you blindside me._

"All right, then. Is that everything? 'Cause if it's all the same to you, I'd really like to finish my lunch now. This stuff's not that bad for an eight-dollar restaurant meal."

"O-oh, right. Sorry."

"It's fine. A lot of what you told me was actually pretty good advice, so thanks for that."

"You're welcome. I guess I'll see you around, then."

"You too."

_Look at that. He's a pretty okay guy if you don't get under his skin. Seems like he only really lets loose against people who piss him off… like Mitsurugi. Man, what an entitled dick that dude was. If he ever tries to duel me for some inane reason, I'm pulling an Indiana Jones and blasting him in the face._

Ten minutes later, and I finished off the last of my meal. Believe it or not, it was pretty good, despite being cheap for an establishment of this nature.

Anyway, with that done, I couldn't distract myself from my real reason for coming here any longer. I got up from my table and headed over to the registration counter.

_Where's Luna…? Ah, there she is!_

_Oh… oh, __**wow**__. I thought her gag boobs in the anime were a joke, considering how she looked in the manga, but… I guess that's what they're really like, huh…?_

"Pfft… ghh-hh-hhh… ghhk-khh-khh…"

I tried. Trust me, I tried. But the padlock on the floodgates ended up shattering sooner rather than later.

"GhhHAHAHAHAHA!"

If her face was anything to go by, that was probably the last reaction she was expecting.

"..._whaaaat?_"

**LUNA**

**Number one assistant**

I attempted to apologize, but the sincerity was weakened by the fact that I was still trying to choke down giggles while I was doing so.

"I-I'm sorry, I just… I don't know why, but your… _assets _are just… they're hilarious! I swear, I have no idea why the hell I'm laughing! Just… gimme a second, okay? I need to get this out of my system…"

The stares of the other receptionists eventually coerced me into corking my laughter back inside my lungs.

"Hoooo… ahem. Sorry about that. I have a bit of a… _unique_ sense of humor, so to speak."

"Yes, I… I can see that."

_Awkwaaaaard..._

"A-anyway. So, I heard this was the place to go for official adventurer registration, and I was wondering if you had room for one more…?"

"A-ah, so you're looking to join, then? Alright, once you pay the registration fee, we'll get you started."

"How much is that?"

"Five thousand Eris, please."

"Huh, bit cheaper than I was expecting, but you won't be hearing me bitching about it. One second… here you go."

"Thank you. Right this way, sir."

The transaction was carried out in a professional manner much more befitting of this place's standards. Afterwards, I was led to the mysterious device that created the cards for every adventurer.

"Now, please place your hand above the blue ball, and it will create your Adventurer's Card."

_Heh. Blue balls._

_...note to self: reminder that I'm a bad person._

The sensation I received from performing the action was… strange, for lack of a better term. I wasn't really confident in my ability to properly describe what the process felt like. All I could say for sure was that it felt _really freaking weird._

Thankfully, it only lasted for a relatively short time. I stepped back to let Luna examine my new card.

"Let's see, here… mister 'Andrew Elkin.' Bit of an odd name… huh, slightly above average strength and dexterity, average agility, below average vitality… oh, my goodness! Your intelligence is almost off the charts! And your luck is also well above average!"

About what I expected.

"With a stat-line like this, I believe your best option might be Wizard. You may also make a good Merchant, or you could make things harder on yourself by choosing a physically-oriented class like Swordsman, but I wouldn't recommend it with your low vitality. Which also means that you won't be picking a damage sponge class like Armor Knight, either. Or, you could simply become an Archer and negate that disadvantage with ranged attacks. All told, though, you're a good deal more versatile than a lot of other adventurers I've seen so far!"

_Ah… choices. My worst enemy._

"Ooh… it's times like this when I hate that I'm a really indecisive person. So many options, so many pros, yet so many cons…"

"If you ask me, I think you might be best off choosing Wizard. As far as I know, it's the only class that would make the most of your ridiculously high intelligence. The only other role that would make use of that stat would be Priest, but something tells me that wouldn't be a very good fit for you."

"Alright, sure, let's go with that. I'm a Wizard, Luna."

_I can't believe I just made that reference. For fuck's sake, I never even read Harry Potter! Hell, I haven't even seen any of the movies! I've got no right to say that!_

"Okay, then! Locking you in as a Wizard… there! You can now use this card to learn skills, and you've officially gained the ability to increase your level by slaying monsters and completing quests. The Adventurers' Guild Association hopes that you will find great success in your future endeavors! Oh, and a little tip… you're actually pretty close to the threshold where you'll be able to class-change into an Archwizard. Just level up a little more, and you'll be good to go!"

_Huh, early promotion… well, waiting until level 20 to class-change __**is **__a pitfall…_

"Thanks. I think that's enough excitement for one day, so I think I'll go secure a place to sleep and relax. I'll be back here looking for a job tomorrow."

"Alright. See you then!"

I made a nonchalant exit soon after that.

* * *

While I was making my way over to the stables outside the town, out of the blue, I felt a sudden wetness in my eyes.

_Huh? Why am I…_

Reaching a hand up to my face to catch the first tear, it dawned on me.

_...oh. Right. That._

_...probably best to stop for a minute and get it out of my system._

While the waterworks began in earnest, I stepped onto the grass beside the road, turned, sat down, and looked at the town.

My expression was still that cold mask of indifference.

_This place… _

_It's my home now. And I can't do a damn thing about it._

I glanced down at my open hand.

_But… maybe that's for the best. Honestly, I was never going to amount to much back in my old world. At most, I'd be a programmer or something at some triple-A game company. Maybe I'd be an indie dev. At worst, I'd be roaming the streets, slowly starving to death while refusing to actively bother anyone for help, since they have their own lives to go about. I'd much rather leave being a world-changer to someone actually qualified for the job, not my lazy, procrastinating, disorganized ass. _

_Yeah, Earth's better off without me. Considering all the shit it deals with, I'd end up being part of the problem rather than the solution._

I reached down, unbuckled the retaining strap on my holster, and took out the concealed weapon, gazing at the slightly filthy grey finish.

_Here, though… it's the opposite. I have the equipment and the know-how to make a difference in this world. I may not have the mindset, but if there's one concrete truth that's shared here, it's that people can change. Who says I won't be able to become proactive? Who says I can't become part of the solution? Who says I can't become, dare I say it, a badass?_

I pointed the Torgue-brand gun off to the side and closed my leaking left eye, aiming down the iron-sights.

_That's right, nobody._

I pushed off the ground, standing up to my full 5' 10.5" height.

_So you know what? _

I raised my arms, and gave my surroundings a double flip-off.

_Screw all the naysayers, screw all those monsters, and most importantly, __**fuck **__that asshole of a Devil King for thinking he can do whatever he wants without consequence!_

I wiped the remaining tears away, and twisted around to resume the walk to the stable…

...only to trip over my own feet and face-plant into the ground.

I let out a muffled long-suffering sigh at the blatant universal dicking.

_God damn it, Murphy. Can't you just let me have this without feeling like a For Glory Little Mac in an Alpharad video?_

* * *

**A/N: Who 'members when "dicking on Mac" was a thing? I 'member.**

**Anyway, thank god all that heavy shit's over with. Now we can get to what you came here for - the comedy!**

**Some info - the leveling system I've worked out for the MC's equipment is a bit of an odd one. The future Unkempt Harold's stats increase with every level Andrew gains, and automatically gains perks at certain level benchmarks. With the Sabre Turret, however, every level gives him one opportunity to increase a certain facet of its performance, like shots fired per volley, accuracy, damage, and so on (though the basic stats also scale with his level, albeit at a lower rate than the pistol). It also has a benchmark system, but each threshold requires him to choose between a certain amount of perks, such as rocket pods, longbow deployment, adding a second gun, an extra turret entirely, things like that. He'll get them all and max out every attribute by level 50, though.**

**And with that, I've said everything I need to.**

**See you next time!**

**[TRANSMISSION ENDED]**


	3. A Boss Fight for this Newbie Adventurer

Bright and early the next day, I walked back through the doors of the Adventurers' Guild building trying way too hard to look like an absolute bawse.

_Well, the first thing I do is TALK TO CORPORATE!_

"Hello again, Andrew! You look eager to make good on your word! Ready for your first job?"

"Born ready, Miss. Let's see what'chu got."

"Definitely not lacking in confidence, I see! Follow me, please."

Luna led me back over to the bulletin board filled with tasks.

"This board goes by many names. Job Board, Bounty Board, Request Bulletin, Quest Board, you name it, it's probably been called that at some point. But no matter the moniker, its duty is the same. Here, you'll find all the latest available quests sent to the Guild, whether they be kill quests, fetch quests, or something else entirely. The number of skull icons on the notice indicate the estimated difficulty level of the quest. If you see only a few, you should have a pretty easy time completing it, with low risk of death, but the payout will also be equally low. An abundance of skulls means that the quest is very difficult, and-or may have a high risk of death, with the reward being substantially larger as compensation. Quests typically offer a monetary reward, with some also giving out experience, but some quests also give out special rewards to those who can complete them."

_Alright, okay. Seems like pretty standard fare so far. My experience should give me a bit of an edge here..._

"The Adventurers' Guild Association implores you to only take jobs appropriate for your skill level, and not any higher. We don't want anyone dying because they thought they could take on an incredibly powerful monster by themselves. If you want to find out which difficulty levels are acceptable for you to reasonably take on, talk to a Guild receptionist and provide a description of your level, stats, skills, equipment, and party members when applicable, and they will compile the information and compare it to the quest difficulty scale. Once they finish that, they will be able to get a fairly accurate reading on your total power level, and will present you your results in the form of a star rating. The number of stars your rating has is directly related to the quest difficulty skulls - say, if you have a star rating of seven, then your quest difficulty cap would be jobs with seven skulls."

_**That **__wasn't in the anime… or the manga, and it probably wasn't in the light novel, either. My god, am I witnessing exclusive worldbuilding right now?! Shit, I better pay attention!_

"All right, I get it. I think I'd rather stick with something simple for my first quest, though. Better safe than sorry. Speaking of which, do you have any suggestions?"

"Suggestions? Well…"

She glanced at the quest board, then looked away somewhat sheepishly.

"The thing is… wintertime brings a lot of hardship for adventurers. All of the lesser monsters are forced to lay low in order to avoid freezing, which causes a general absence of relatively easy quests. Accordingly, the only ones left for the guild members are usually very difficult to complete, and the few people who do venture out don't come back more often than not. So… apologies, but I don't believe there is anything 'simple' on the board as of now. They'll come back when winter ends, but that's still a little while away."

"Oh…"

_...damn it. Looks like I picked a pretty shitty time to drop in. But… honestly, I probably should've expected this. If the source material taught me anything, it's that this world has absolutely no idea what a proper difficulty curve is. Seriously, practically everything here that's intended to be dangerous could pass for a Boss in Mook Clothing… that is, if regular 'mooks' for them to compare to even __**existed **__here. _

"N-now, I know this looks bad, but fear not! I'm sure there's at least one quest suitable for your first adventure! You just… have to pick the right one!"

"The blatant uncertainty puts a pretty big damper on my already-nonexistent optimism, but... what the hell. The stable's cheap, but it's not free, and I don't know how long I'll be able to afford food if I don't work, so I might as well make sure I can keep affording it. Let's have a look."

_Mmm… White Wolves, no… One-Shot Bear, definitely not… Rookie Killer? They're still on the prowl, even at this time of year? Huh, who knew? Anyway, probably shouldn't take on that kind of thing since I'm what it's known for slaying at the moment… Snow Sprites, absolutely not, don't want to piss off the Winter Shogun…_

_Fuck, she's right. All these quests are __**way **__too difficult for a level 1 to pull off, game-breaking gear or not, especially not alone._

_Wait… __**alone**_…

I thought on that. On my own, I was a decent ranged attacker and spellcaster, despite knowing only the most basic of the basic spells. My big issue was that my strengths were somewhat limited against an enemy in melee range due to the explosive nature of my gun and the possibility that my turret could accidentally hit me if it was shooting at something right next to me. Another problem was that whenever an enemy did get into melee range, I likely wouldn't survive very long thanks to my low vitality, and I couldn't rely on dodging because my agility was only average. To add onto that, I had no way to heal myself. And something told me that I wouldn't be getting a last chance Fight For Your Life trigger if my HP hit zero. In essence, I was a bit of a glass cannon.

_If I want to be successful, I need to keep the enemy as far away from me as possible so I can blast them at a safe distance. But I'm sure that a lot of foes out there will be much too fast or durable for me to take down before they get into striking range. Which means that in order to make it through this ordeal…_

There was only one conclusion I could come to.

_I need a teammate._

Logically speaking, simply bringing someone along with me significantly increased my odds of survival. Right off the bat, I had another source of damage, and a 50% chance that an enemy would target someone other than me, meaning 50% less damage taken. In layman's terms, we'd get twice the work done for half the effort.

Of course, that also brought its fair share of downsides, such as splitting pay, experience points, actually working with someone that's not you, who the leader is, and enough other problems to fill a can of worms.

But when it came down to either that or dying in one of many gruesomely horrible methods, the choice was effortless to make.

_Riding my coworkers' coat-tails and doing nothing myself may have been my modus operandi back on Earth, but that's not possible here. If I slack off, somebody dies, and I'm not sure if I'm mentally stable enough to go through that without shattering. All I have to do is… put in the effort._

_Whoof. That might very well be the single hardest personal quest I'll ever embark on. Actually putting effort into doing something I don't like._

_...actually, considering all the service projects I've helped on, this might be easier than I'm expecting._

_No, wait - ah, shit, shouldn't have said that. Now Murphy's gonna screw me over again in the near future._

"Hmm… I don't think any of these are doing it for me at the moment. You were right. I feel like if I try any of these as I am now, I'll get my head handed to me on a silver platter."

Luna looked a little downcast at my words.

"Yes, you probably would. Versatile stats or not, there's only so much you can handle before you fall, especially since you're just starting out. In fact, I'd recommend finding a part-time job in place of taking quests if only so you'll survive long enough to gain access to ones more suited to your level."

_Right, there is always that option. But old habits are hard to break, so I'm not sure I'll be able to build a good reputation if I end up slacking off on the job all the time. With quests, there's no in-between - you either pull your weight or die, and I'm certain that'll do wonders for my work ethic._

"What if I got help? On my own I'd get destroyed, but what if I had a partner? Do you know anyone who might be able to assist me here?"

She perked up at that.

"A teammate? Um…"

She looked back towards the restaurant area, checking the usual morning crowd.

"...I don't know. Axel is known for being the town full of nothing but novice adventurers, so I'm not sure how that would work out for you…"

"Are there really no others able and willing to help out?"

"Let me think…"

She turned her attention back to the floor, brow furrowed, a frown on her face, and a hand to her chin.

"Mmm… he's still out searching for his sword… they're a bunch of nut-jobs… I don't want him fraternizing with a pig like him, even if his party is alright…"

I could make a few guesses as to who she was muttering about.

Suddenly, her eyebrows shot up.

"Wait, what about…? That's right! With Aqua taking over her graveyard duties, she does have a lot more free time…"

She looked back at me.

"I think I might know just the person."

* * *

_...I cannot __**believe **__I just up and forgot what she was._

Luna's directions had led me right to the front door of, drumroll please… Wiz's Magic Shop.

Yep. The storefront for Axel's resident No-Life King. Or Queen, I should say.

In hindsight, I really should have thought of her first when this whole teammate idea popped into my head. I felt more than a little silly for letting the fact that she used to be an incredibly powerful adventurer completely slip my mind.

But that didn't matter now. I needed help, and if I had to take advantage of someone else's personality in order to survive, that was fine by me.

I opened the door and stepped inside, the bell attached to it notifying the owner of my entrance.

"Ah, hello, sir! Welcome to my shop! Are you looking for anything in particular?"

**WIZ**

**Your friendly neighborhood lich**

_...might as well get it over with._

"Yeah, actually. You."

My blunt declaration of my intentions left her on the back foot.

"Er-what? Y-you're looking for… me?"

_I always thought Brianna Knickerbocker was an odd choice for her, but I gotta admit, it fits in a weird sort of way. You'd expect her to sound… older, but this works just as well. Probably because… no, __**definitely **__because of how absolutely pure she is. Seriously. Protecc the kawaii lich._

"Uh-huh. I suppose I should explain why…"

* * *

"Oh… yes, I see why that would be a problem. But… why me?"

"Wiz, if what Luna told me is true, you're practically the talk of the town when it comes to assisting the unfortunate. Nobody around here does that better than you. And after hearing her reasons on why, I'm inclined to agree with her. Seriously, considering what she told me of your exploits, I'm pretty certain that you could totally obliterate me with nothing more than a snap of your fingers."

It was interesting, watching her entire face turn red. I suppose I never realized how weird it was to basically be living in an animation, with all the extra expressiveness it had over the real world (as well as all the mood-reading advantages that came with it). I almost felt like I was a character in one of those live-action-meets-cartoon movies, like Who Framed Roger Rabbit or Space Jam. It really served to hammer in the fact that I wasn't in California anymore.

"D-don't say things like that…"

"So, that's pretty much the gist of it. That said, what do you want to do? Would you rather go with me and leave your shop unmanned for however long we'll be gone, or stay and leave me to my fate?"

"A-ahhhh…"

_Hmm… what else can I say…_

_Got it._

"Oh, I won't hold it against you if you decide not to help. I'm sure you're very busy with potential customers. You never know when someone else might step through those doors and be greeted with an empty shop. I'll just have to get a job of my own… and get fired for doing nothing, leaving me to slowly run out of food money and resort to wandering the streets completely silently, relying only on the chance that someone might go out of their way to give me a bite to eat without my asking, hoping against hope that I'll be able to survive until spring-"

She cracked.

"Okay, okay! I'll help you! I'll do it!"

I inwardly smirked.

_Gotcha. Hook, line and sinker. Heh heh._

_...is it bad that I don't feel a shred of remorse for doing this?_

_...yeah, definitely. But that's not relevant to my survival._

I knew that way of thinking would invite some form of karma to drop-kick me in the face somewhere down the line, but I had more important things to worry about at the moment.

* * *

"Mind telling me why you brought me out here?"

We were standing just outside the walls of Axel, facing the sporadically-snow-covered rolling hills of the immediate area around the village.

"If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to see what you're capable of so I can help you pick out the relative easiest quest of the bunch."

"Oh, that makes sense. So, what would you like to see first?"

She gazed down at my satchel and my holster.

"Well, I'm curious as to what you actually use to fight. I don't see any conventional weapons on you, so I'm wondering how you'll be able to do battle."

"Alrighty, then."

I snapped the strap on the holster and pulled out the Slapper, showcasing it.

Wiz, as expected of one living in a very medieval time period, had no idea what it was.

"That… looks fairly small. What _is _that?"

I fancily brandished the weapon, spinning it around the trigger - with the safety on, of course. (I briefly questioned why a Torgue gun would have a _safety, _of all things, but stopped that train of thought before it could screw me over.)

_Thank you, anime physics! And the ingrained knowledge._

"This right here, Wiz, is what is known in my homeland as a gun. Or, I suppose the proper term would be firearm, but for simplicity's sake, we'll call it a gun, since that's what everyone else knows 'em by - along with about a million and one other assorted monikers, but that's not important."

I pointed it off to the side.

"As everyone back home knows, guns are very complex tools. They're often made up of various working parts, coming together to form one of the deadliest non-magical weapons known to mankind. That complexity extends to what they do, as well."

I brought it back to my chest, providing visual aids using my hands for the next bit of explanation.

"When it was first conceived, it worked thusly: a projectile would be loaded into a tube with one open end and one closed end. Behind the projectile would be a measurement of a substance called gunpowder - the basis for how the entire weapon works. You see, when gunpowder comes into contact with a source of heat that is hot enough, it will ignite and release an abundance of gases very fast. Therefore, by igniting it between the end of a tube and a movable projectile, the resulting release of gases would force the projectile out the other end of the tube at incredibly high speeds. Speeds fast enough to blow right through an ordinary human's flesh."

Wiz looked both enraptured and horrified. I suspected that she was beginning to understand why she should be afraid of this tiny thing, but also couldn't stop a morbid curiosity concerning what it was from bubbling to the surface.

"Over time, the design was refined continuously, each iteration of the weapon becoming more and more deadly. First came the introduction of the bullet, the optimal ammunition type for the weapon. Next came the advent of rifling - engraving the barrel with grooves that would cause the traveling bullet to spin, increasing its accuracy to near-pinpoint levels. Then, the ability to store extra bullets inside the weapon for quick reloads, giving birth to the concept of magazines. And then designers figured out a way to have certain guns load the next bullet into the chamber by itself when the trigger was pulled, introducing the semi-automatic function. Which was later improved to fully-automatic, the ability to hold down the trigger and keep firing until the user needed to reload the magazine. It eventually came to the point where a person wielding a type of gun called a sniper rifle could kill a man from a mile away, if their aim was good enough."

If her expression told me anything, it's that I was only further traumatizing her the longer I gave her the excruciatingly-detailed account of how my weapon worked. But I didn't care. I was on a roll, and I'd be damned if I stopped now and killed my momentum.

"But, my dear Wiz, what you see in my hands now… is _not _a normal gun. No, what I am currently carrying at this moment, is a gun manufactured by the Torgue Corporation, as evidenced by the brand logo on the cylinder here. Since I assume you've never heard of it before, I'll tell you that their weapons are very well known for the… _highly explosive _tendencies that they bear."

I flicked out the cylinder and removed one of the cartridges. As you'd expect from a weapon that fired what basically amounted to miniature rockets, it looked very different from what a standard revolver would be chambering. The know-how implanted into my mind told me that they actually didn't use casings, flipping out the fins once they were fired - which explained why none of their pistols had reload animations featuring the user ejecting the spent rounds before loading the new ones.

_Suppose that's one mystery solved… but that still doesn't explain why that also applies to Jakobs handguns. Yeah, I know that's a stupid thing to ask because it's Borderlands and digistruct tech exists, but damn it, you have to have at least a __**tenth **__of a logical base to build all your insanity off of! The least you could do would be to provide an explanation for where all those used cartridges go!_

"This is the standard ammunition used by this weapon - a gyrojet. Once fired, a chemical reaction occurring inside it pushes it forward towards anything unlucky enough to be caught in its path. Once it comes into contact with anything, it will explode, causing considerable damage. Like so."

I replaced the advanced bullet inside the cylinder and clicked it back into place, taking aim at a nearby tree.

When I was certain of my mark, I pulled the trigger.

I found the "Yip!" that Wiz let out upon hearing the report of the weapon to be both hilarious and adorable.

The mini-rocket was visible for less than a second before it impacted the tree, causing a relatively small explosion and carving out a conspicuous chunk of wood.

"However, because it travels significantly slower than a standard bullet, the user must aim carefully and lead their target so as to not waste ammunition."

I lowered my off-hand down to my satchel, flicking the cylinder out again.

"Luckily for me, that's not a concern due to a… let's say secret benefactor."

An oddly-colored patch on the small bag emitted a glowing blue ray, digistructing a single gyrojet between my pointer finger and thumb. Once the process was complete, I lifted it up and inserted it into the lone empty spot in the cylinder, then clicked it into its original position.

"Anyway, that's about it for this little thing. As you can see, it will most likely prove lethal to the majority of creatures we encounter, although something tells me that it's going to take more than one shot to bring any of them down."

I spun the small boomstick around one last time, then secured it once more inside the holster.

"Oh, but make no mistake - we're not done yet. I still have another thing to showcase."

Other than a few distressed-sounding noises, nothing had come out of Wiz's mouth for my entire presentation.

I reached back down to my satchel and removed the blocky tube from it.

"Take a look at this. What do you think it does?"

That broke her out of her haze somewhat, allowing her to scrutinize the unassuming grey object in my hand.

"I-I'm… not sure. I've never seen anything like it before."

Her eyes then found the Dahl logo printed on the product.

"And I've certainly never seen this language before. What kind of writing is this?"

I figured there wasn't any harm in telling her.

"That, Wiz, is the brand of the Dahl Corporation, the manufacturer and distributor of this item. They are provided free of charge to all employed soldiers who have been authorized to use them. As for what this actually is… watch."

I pressed a button to arm it, then lightly tossed it away.

Upon coming to a stop, the cylinder unfolded out and digistructed itself into a fully functional Sabre Turret, leaving the lich standing next to me in a state of complete shock.

"W-wh… w-w-what? _What_…?"

"That's not all. Check _this _out."

I reached down to the ground and picked up a dirt clod that had been conveniently lying there, and chucked it in front of the turret. The auto-targeting systems picked up the projectile instantly, moving the barrel of the turret and lining it up with its mark. Five tightly-grouped (but not pinpoint) shots quickly shredded the collection of soil into a thousand tiny pieces.

I walked down to the contraption and rested a hand on top of it.

"See, this beauty right here is a standard-issue Sabre Turret. It's easy to carry, deploy, and retrieve, and mows down everything stupid enough to stand in front of it. It also has amazing compatibility with specialized modifications, which can do all sorts of wonders for its already high performance. All told, this baby's every Dahl soldier's significant other. And you're expected to treat 'em like one."

I patted the girl a few times, causing it to somehow let out an affectionate sound. My eyebrows shot up as I found the reclaim button and deconstructed it back into its carry tube. I finished off my exposition dump while replacing it in my satchel

"Although, unfortunately it can't last forever. It chews through power like a competitive speed eater, so it often has to stop, rest and recharge only a short time after being deployed. But given how amazingly effective it is at its job, I'd say that short time's all you need to make the most of it. Trust me - if something isn't dead or obviously near death after a session with this thing, you probably shouldn't be fighting it."

An uncomfortable silence followed. Wiz was still locked in that shell-shocked state, occasionally muttering "what" and derivatives like "wh-" and "whaaaaa-."

_...shit, did I overdo it with the info-dump? Probably… I think I also made myself out to be some kinda force of nature. Better clear up that misconception before I get undue praise._

"Don't go thinking I'm unstoppable, though. My equipment's not the be-all-end-all solution to every one of my problems. Despite my wishes, Torgue projectiles aren't very fast, and I'm not that good at leading my targets yet. And I get the feeling that a lot of things roaming around at this time of year can take a full turret salvo to the face like it's no big deal. I've still got a long ways to go before I can bring out the full potential of these tools. Oh, but I suppose I should mention this before I forget…"

I snapped my fingers, causing a tiny ball of flame about the size of a golf ball to appear and hover above my hand. This was Tinder, the lowest spell of the beginner tier of Fire magic. Useful for starting campfires and acting as an emergency torch, but not much else. The best it could do combat-wise was _maybe _burn a hole through someone's clothes and lightly singe the skin underneath.

It was also one of the two spells I knew at the moment, the other being Create Water. I had discovered last night that I actually had a few starter skill points to spend on some introductory skills, and after scanning my options, determined these two to be the best choices. Tinder completely eliminated the need for matches, which was a huge blessing seeing as I didn't have any, and I'd assume that Create Water's usefulness was pretty self-explanatory.

"Despite appearances, I'm still a Wizard. Though, neither of the two spells I know have any combat utility, and are better suited for things outside battling, but that's still something, right?"

Thankfully, the reminder of what she was best at snapped the former adventurer out of her daze.

"Y-yes, it is. Don't ever be discouraged just because a spell seems weak. All you have to do is find a good way to use it, and you'll find it can make you proud in ways you never thought possible."

I stared at the tiny orange concentration, contemplating it.

"Yeah, I suppose…"

Out of the blue, I snapped my head towards Wiz.

"Hey, random thought - could you actually use this to cook something if you didn't have a fire or anything?"

She started at the sudden unorthodox question, but pondered it nonetheless.

"Hm… I suppose you could? I'm not sure how effective it would be at something like that, but I do think it might be possible. I would say it all depends on how you use it, really."

True, that.

"Huh… guess that's as good an answer as any. Moving right along, what do you think? Ready to help me pick the lesser of who-knows-how-many evils?"

* * *

"Hello again, mister Elkin! I see you found some help."

Wiz blushed outside my field of view. I simply gave a light chuckle.

"Yep, I did. Thanks for the advice, Luna. I'll see if I can't pay you back by actually finishing one of these suicide missions."

I got a light-hearted smile in response.

"Well, do try not to get _too _in over your head. We'd much prefer it if you came back in one piece rather than several."

I glanced over towards my temporary partner.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that. With _this _veteran badass at my side, I think I've got a fair chance at doing whatever she'll pick out for me. But still, you can never be too careful. I'll watch my back."

The receptionist let out a small sigh.

"I suppose that's the best I'll get from you. I wish you luck, then. You show a lot of promise, mister Elkin. I'd hate to see all that potential go to waste in an early grave."

"Quit calling me 'mister' and you've got yourself a deal. I'm still a few years away from adulthood, and I'm gonna milk 'em dry for all they're worth. You understand, Luna?"

She rolled her eyes, but accepted the terms anyway.

"All right… Andrew."

"Thank you. Now…"

I stopped at the bounty board, and turned toward the incognito lich trailing behind me.

"Time to do what we came here for. Wiz, you're up. Which one of these quests do you think I have the best odds of completing?"

She walked up to the board.

"Ah, let's see…"

I moved my eyes from the bulletin to Wiz every few seconds, checking her line of sight and watching her reactions. A subtle shake of the head, narrowing of the eyes, furrowing of the brow, all the minute tells that wordlessly spoke of her opinions on all the different quests.

After scanning all the available jobs, she came to a decision.

"...all right, I think I know what we can do."

She walked up and took one off the board.

"As counter-intuitive as it may seem…"

She held it up to me.

"I think your best bet is to take on this Rookie Killer. In terms of power, it ranks among the lowest of the monsters that are still active during winter. And since the goblins are all huddled away from the cold, it should be without a lure. All we have to do is find it and do battle with it."

I took the sheet off her hands, scrutinizing it for myself.

**A Rookie Killer has been spotted taking refuge in the nearby forest. If word of mouth is to be believed, it's taken to stealing local crops to survive the winter. It's also murdered some of Lord Alderp's men, but they were dicks and totally had it coming. Anyway, some concerned farmers would really appreciate it if someone got rid of the monster.**

Aside from the eleven skulls stamped on it in a u-shaped pattern, it seemed like a standard kill quest on the surface.

"...well, okay. I don't have any reason to distrust you, so if you say that this is the one to go for, then this is what we'll do."

I folded up the paper and stuck it inside my satchel. I would have shoved it inside one of my jacket or pants pockets, but that didn't seem as safe.

"You get all that, Luna?"

The blonde nodded from her place behind the counter.

"Loud and clear. Be careful!"

With that covered, I shoved the door open, held it for Wiz, and set out.

* * *

A bit of a trek later found us wandering through the forest near the town. As we had no intention of trying to sneak up on our quarry, neither one of us made an effort to quiet our steps. But we still kept our heads on a swivel, scanning the immediate area for any signs that could give away a big black cat… thing. I had my weapon drawn at my side, ready to snap up to my eye and fire at a moment's notice.

I never really saw it before, but my surroundings actually looked quite nice… almost as if it was a work of art. Which made sense, since, y'know, living an anime and all that. Small piles of snow were scattered around here and there, sometimes on tree branches seemingly chosen at random. Funnily enough, I had been standing under one at the exact moment it decided to give out, dumping a load of white all over me. Fortunately I had my hood up at the time, preventing it from sliding down my neck and into my inner clothing.

Wiz couldn't stop a giggle from escaping her mouth at my predicament. I shot her an unamused glare, then raised my weapon and fired at a snow-capped branch sitting above her, causing both the load _and_ the branch to fall right on top of her.

As expected of a seasoned adventurer-turned-lich, the large hunk of wood impacting her head garnered no reaction whatsoever. The snow that followed, however, caused her to let out an absolutely adorable "Eep!"

A smug, self-satisfied smile stretched across my face at the successful revenge plot. We continued on our way after shaking off the globs of frozen H2O.

While we were walking, I felt the need to mention something.

"By the way, just so you know, I only want you to assist me enough to even the odds. Any more, and I'll get complacent and rely on you as a crutch. Less than that, and I'll resent you for not doing enough. Am I clear?"

Wiz was understandably confused, but accepted.

"All right, but… why, if you don't mind my asking?"

I debated on what to tell her, and came up with the following.

"Every time I do group work, I typically end up doing either all or none of the work. This way, I can break that trend. That said, though… if I look like I'm in a tight spot and about to die, don't help me out. I'm treating this thing like a rite of passage. If I can't do this on equal terms, then I don't deserve to be here, and I'll likely be better off dead. Don't try to argue with me on this."

Her expression screamed disapproval, but she nonetheless acquiesced to my terms.

A while later, we came upon a clearing. I, in my infinite genre-savvy wisdom, came to a near-instant conclusion.

_Is this an arena? This looks like an arena. Is it? It should be._

"Ah-! Andrew, behind you!"

Upon hearing those words, I didn't even bother turning around. I just dove off to the side.

My instincts actually saved me, as I saw a large black shadow fly over where I was standing a second ago, landing a fair distance away. Scrambling to my feet, I brought my gun up to bear and trained it on the beast, which turned around and let out a challenging roar.

**SNAKE-EYES**

**Straight outta luck**

With the insane burst of agility it had just showcased, we both knew that the only reason I wasn't dead was because Wiz had warned me. That said, bless her soul, the shopkeeper decided to give me a boost.

"**Time Break!"**

A stylized golden magic circle appeared beneath my feet, accompanied by two arrows, one long, one short. The arrows began to spin counterclockwise, picking up speed until they became too fast to track. At that moment, everything in my vision was altered. The world became ever-so-slightly greyscale, with colors becoming somewhat muddied and sounds becoming distorted.

I shot my partner a thumbs-up, then focused on taking down the boss.

While the haste spell did vastly increase my speed and reaction time, it was only enough to put me on equal terms with the Rookie Killer. It was no longer 'too fast to catch,' but rather 'still pretty quick, but not untouchable.' It was now up to me to fill in the rest and do my part.

I took out my turret and chucked it off to the side, then brought up my revolver and began firing. Snake-Eyes took the gyrojets like a total champ, showing little to no reaction at the miniature explosions going off on various parts of his body. All he cared about was charging me and taking me down, while I did my best to avoid his efforts. Believe it or not, it wasn't too different from fighting a slightly-larger-than-normal Skag. Besides the three-way-split mouth, ridiculously long tongue, natural frontal armor, ability to spit bile… actually, I take that back.

In any case, it was far from clean. I was able to narrowly avoid most of the really debilitating damage, but I still suffered quite a lot of cuts and tears. The pain was very noticeable, but somehow I was able to stop it from affecting me in any significant way. I simply chalked that up to adrenaline and discarded the issue. I was actually more pissed off at the fact that my clothes were now mangled.

_Man, I really loved that hoodie. Fuckin' claws… ah, well. I suppose I'd have to get a wardrobe change at some point anyway. Might as well bite the bullet and get it over with sooner rather than later._

And so the fight continued. I would dodge charges and lunges alike just enough to not get half my waist torn off, jump back to avoid swipes, shoot and reload whenever possible, and try to stay out of the turret's line of fire as much as I could.

The combined efforts of the Time Break and the adrenaline made it seem like the battle went on for an hour, but in reality, it was only around two or so minutes. Or maybe three? Four? Whatever.

At one point, I'd flicked a quick Tinder at the Rookie Killer to see if it would ignite his fur. Unfortunately, the beast was moving much too fast for the spark to properly grow, and it was snuffed out in seconds. Later on I'd tried a hasty Create Water for the hell of it, and was unsurprised when it did absolutely nothing.

_Yep, that's Tier Zero spells for ya. Good for mundane utility, and pretty much nothing else save for extremely rare and specific situations._

Eventually, it came down to my bloodied, battered form versus Snake-Eyes' smoking, shredded hide.

Finally, I lost enough speed to the point where he managed to score a particularly nasty slash across my chest, sending me staggering back to fall to one knee.

My train of thought's new destination came as no surprise to me.

_Huh… guess this is it, then. Suppose it's only natural - I don't know what I was thinking, believing I was cut out in any way for this job. For god's sake, I'm only sixteen! Not even old enough to drink, let alone own a firearm! How was I supposed to survive in a world like this, where almost everything's constantly trying to kill you?! It's just impossible…_

But then, to my shock, it veered completely off the rails.

_...no… no, this isn't right. Didn't I make a vow just yesterday to stop thinking like that? What the hell am I doing, being all pessimistic about this?! This isn't just something I can brush off! If I fail here, I die, period! No ifs, ands, or buts! _

_And if there's one thing I know, it's that I am __**not **__letting that happen on any terms other than my own._

I could have sworn that I saw the words "Fight For Your Life!" flash across my vision as I brought my weapon up for one last stand. I accompanied it with a rage-filled scream of desperation.

"_THAT ALL YOU GOT, YA MANGY SKAGSUCKER?! C'MERE!_ _IF I'M GOING DOWN, __**I'M DRAGGING YOU TO HELL**_ _**WITH ME!**_"

I squeezed the trigger six times, me and my turret firing in unison.

And lo and behold… the last gyrojet flew true and hit him right in his left eye.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Snake-Eyes gave out one last defiant roar, then slumped over on his side, never to rise again.

My Sabre Turret finally ran out of power, deconstructing itself down into its portable form. My legs lost all their remaining strength, leaving me to collapse on the ground while my body's natural painkillers wore off.

While the hurt started to seep in, I lifted my head and caught sight of Wiz, finding it within me to slightly lift up one of my arms and give a pathetic-looking thumbs up.

"Heyyyy… would you look at that, heh… I pulled it off!"

I uttered the most unenthusiastic "yaaaay" I could muster to cap off the statement.

I then felt a sudden surge of repressed pain come to the forefront, my hand sluggishly zipping over to my newest gaping chest wound.

"_Owwwww…_ yeah, but seriously, can I, like, get some heals, please? Pretty sure I'm a few more pints of lost blood away from kicking the bucket…"

* * *

Thankfully, a quick Sacred Cure had me all fixed up and ready to go in a jiffy. In addition to that…

"Whoa, I didn't know it could repair fabrics, too! How-"

Something hit me at that moment.

"-oh, damn it, I just realized I was worried about buying new clothes for nothing."

_**Sigh…**_

Wiz only giggled.

"At this point, I think you should just be happy that you're alive at all. That was one of the closest calls I've ever seen, and believe me, I've seen a _lot_."

I had to admit that.

"True. So, uhh…"

My sight drifted over to the positively massive carcass sitting a few feet away.

"...for the record, I am nowhere near strong enough to carry that. Would you mind…?"

She was already walking over.

"Certainly! I think you've done more than enough today. It's only right that I let you relax a little."

I almost felt my eyes pop out when I witnessed her lift the giant Rookie Killer corpse over her head with almost no effort whatsoever and settle it on her shoulder. The retired adventurer blushed a little when she caught my gaze.

"U-um, I would appreciate it if you didn't stare…"

My brain dope-slapped me for the third time this week, snapping my gaze away.

"O-oh, right, sorry. So, is that everything?"

"I believe so."

"All right, then. Let's get out of here."

* * *

A/N:** Remember when I said we were done with the heavy stuff?**

**Yeaaaah… I kinda lied. Something tells me that's going to happen a lot in this story.**

**Anyway, I've now gone back and updated the other chapters with character splash introductions. I can already tell that coming up with appropriate subtitles for everyone is going to shave a few months off my lifespan. It's worth it, though.**

**So Wiz gets introduced in this chapter to lend a bit of a helping hand to our protagonist. What Andrew said is actually true to life - I have an unfortunate habit of stepping away from the materials and doing nothing but ride my partners' coat-tails to victory whenever I have to work on a group project. Of course, if my other partners are incompetent, I take it upon myself to do everything. I'm trying to get better at this, but I still suck at taking the initiative, so it's still a work-in-progress.**

**What'd you guys think of the fight? Too vague, not enough action? Or is it good how it is? I want to hear your thoughts and opinions.**

**Up next is the immediate aftermath, and then a bit of a time-skip. To when, well… you'll have to find out then.**

**[TRANSMISSION ENDED]**


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